More About My Journey for Conflict Resolution

In my search to find a better way, I really studied the topic of conflict - conflict resolution, conflict management, communication skills, negotiation, mediation, and arbitration, spirituality (even ministry), Christian Conciliation and even the joy and magic of conflict. Yes – there actually is training on the joy and magic of conflict! The more I sought to eliminate conflict, the more it appeared in all of life around me.

I was really asking for a new way to deal with it. And a new way was slowly being shown to me. All the while, I continued working and gaining experience in the academic world, in leadership roles, in employer-employee relationships, in negotiation and mediation, in the ministry and with all kinds of grievance processes. I was beginning to evolve toward a better way. And that's when I began to realize that conflict is the gift that just keeps on giving!

At first, as a lifelong educator I approached the topic of conflict in an academic and intellectual way. Throughout my educational and administrative career, I was continually drawn to the issue of conflict:

  • √  Understanding the nature of conflict,
  • √  What to do with it,
  • √  What to do about it,
  • √  How to resolve it,
  • √  How to better manage it,
  • √  How I ended up in it, and
  • √  How I could choose to respond to it.

How did I end up here? I observed that people I worked with in clear adversarial roles in unions, in a men's prison, and in several public school districts actually managed to treat one another better than people treat one another in places where their expectations were higher – like their churches. And I discovered that we were able to do that precisely because there were orderly formulas or processes in place. There was a plan – a repeatable process and everyone knew what the steps in the process were.

My most important lessons with conflict have come through powerful experiences in spiritual organizations. You and I may choose to join spiritual organizations for many reasons. Most of us would agree that this is one place where we not only choose to worship, but also hope to offer and receive love, acceptance, feeling cared for, feeling safe and secure. We also tend to think that everyone else in these organizations will somehow magically be better people than all those others we work with and live with that bring with them those conflicts that we believe are obstacles in our way.

For me, when conflicts arose in all those spiritual settings, I really wanted all my studies, intellectual skills and processes, and previous successes in conflict resolution and conflict management to matter and to make a positive difference. This is where it really counted most for me! And this turned out to be the very environment that has provided the greatest gift of learning. It was such a disappointment when my offerings were not recognized, entertained or accepted. In fact, the disagreements and conflicts seemed even more intense among all of us who perceived ourselves as being "spiritual" people.

Have you noticed that you or other people striving to be spiritual, seem to have greater inner conflict because of pre-conceived notions that spiritual people should be different – somehow better and more able to skip over all that conflict stuff that goes on among regular people? You want to move straight to transcending the normal state of affairs among people and nations. This really is the perfect gift in disguise! It's a BIG set-up – designed by a higher portion of you - that causes you to realize and face what you can only know through those experiences.

When all is known, there is nothing to "have to" manifest – because it already is. You can only grow to this place through the experiences that create change - some friction - a little creative tension - what we have come to call conflict.

Aikido Master, teacher and author Thomas Crum says "Conflict is the primary motivator for change." You can't just jump over it. Once you come to understand the gift being offered, you wouldn't want to.

This is one meaning of entering and following a spiritual path. You move along the pathway learning from all the people, the conflicts and the shared adventures you encounter along the way.

Another situation is when your previous successes become roadblocks to future successes! Perhaps you tend to rest after completing something successfully or you believe that all future successes must be done in accordance with the successful formula or process you used in the past. Maybe you become attached to what worked before and therefore insist on others doing it your way.

For me, where it counted the most, my past successes were a roadblock. The more I thought to eliminate conflict, the more it appeared around me. The more attached I was to my preferred way of doing things, the more conflict emerged. Eliminating conflict is not the answer! And getting everyone else to always do it your way is not the answer!

I want to help you find your answers and to feel more empowered in understanding, managing and transcending conflict so you can embrace the gift that conflict offers to you.

Truly, this is an approach whose time has come!

Discover your HeartPeace Now!