HeartPeace Now Articles

There are so many positive strategies and processes to use in managing conflict effectively.  And sometimes it’s very important to know how to avoid the pitfalls.  

You will enhance your success in finding heart peace if you stay aware of the energies that are the indicators and outcomes of conflict.  These energies begin with small contrasts that come from mismatched expectations among people.  And there are some mistakes you can avoid making if you know about them before they come up.  

You can safely and effectively avoid these Five Mistakes during Conflict.   

1.      Don’t become detached from the conflict.  Stay aware of energies that are the indicators and outcomes of conflict so you can monitor and track them.  Your enhanced awareness allows you to maintain more control in effective ways.  You really want to have a passionate concern for both the people and the issues within the conflict.  Your engagement and genuine concern can motivate others toward solutions.

 2.      Don’t get caught “awfulizing.”  Every conflict has a history that extends beyond the present.  And “awfulizing” is the tendency to escalate a situation into its worst-case scenario.  One person tries to top the other person’s horrible and awful story.  You want to find common ground in what can be done to resolve problems, not in common misery.   

 3.      Don’t let conflict establish your agenda.  If you want to be an effective change agent in resolving conflict, you must do the important things and consider delegating the urgent things.  Stay aligned with your own agenda, and do those things that only you can do.  There will always be distractions and seemingly urgent things that can be done effectively by others.

 4.      Don’t engage in power struggles.  There is a significant relationship between power and authority.  Your authority increases when you empower others.  Power tends to be perceived as coercive, while authority involves respect.  Unless you are prepared to waste time, don’t argue.  Unless you are prepared to lose, don’t choose to engage in battles.  Taking total responsibility for others’ emotions sets you up to lose in a power struggle.

 5.      Don’t be sidetracked by the projections of others.  Projection is really an emotional release for most people.  And sometimes people project their own flaws and weaknesses onto others.  Avoid accusations and generalizations.  Encourage participation so others can speak safely for themselves.  There really is no need for anyone to be reduced to mind reading.

 Managing conflict more effectively is a passion for Alberta Fredricksen, a Conflict Guide and Spiritual Life Coach.  You can be empowered in your personal and professional conflicts through personal coaching or group facilitations.  Check Alberta’s website at www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles.  Sign up for the Awakened Inner PeaceMaker Program now!

Understanding your choices is essential in managing conflict.  And, yes, there is always more than one choice!  You just have to decide what consequence you will live with.  This helps you resolve your own inner conflict.  And just as important is the strategy of providing choices for others when you are in conflict.  

The narrowing of choice is not motivating.  It is the expansion of choice or the opportunity to decide that motivates an individual to go beyond feeling victimized.  And in businesses or organizations, it allows an individual to go beyond minimal competence.   

When people say, “I had no choice,” it is really an expression of poverty.  Shift your thinking to a place of being wealthy regarding your abundance of choices!  Choices help you shift from an all or nothing consciousness.  

When you need to brush your teeth, you go to the store and there is not just one product for brushing teeth.  You are faced with choices within choices.  Shall I choose fluoride or no fluoride?  Can I have a product with whitener already included?  What flavor or taste do I want?  Shall I try one out by choosing a small travel version first to see if I like it? What if I like one brand and someone else in my house likes another?  Can we each have something that we want?  

If you can routinely create opportunities for choosing, people will not feel deprived when they encounter those areas where you, the family or an organization cannot always permit choice.  Active participation and involvement in decision-making pushes powerlessness into the background.  For instance, even in the area of setting boundaries or disciplines, the individual can be given two or three options and he decides which one he will fulfill.   Even a child can appreciate choice in being corrected or disciplined.  In order to finish your history report for school, you can choose between not getting to watch TV this evening or you may choose not to go bike riding in the park on Saturday.  It’s your choice.  

And even if making the final decisions or choices cannot be allowed, being offered the opportunity to provide input is also expansive in creating more abundant thinking.  When everyone experiences more choice, conflicts diminish and they can be managed quickly and effectively!  

Managing conflict more effectively is a passion for Alberta Fredricksen, a Conflict Guide and Spiritual Life Coach.  You can be empowered in your personal and professional conflicts through personal coaching or group facilitations.  Check Alberta’s website at www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles.  Sign up for the Awakened Inner PeaceMaker Program now!

The biggest obstacle to effective conflict management may just be your own history!  You and the others in your relationships all have a past when it comes to communicating, building relationships and managing conflicts.   

Your patterns of behavior are built on your perceptions of what is happening to you and how others are relating to you.  And most of us have our own best interests in mind when we are negotiating our way through expectations that are not being met.  This colors how we see others and what we project onto them when we sense those contrasts and tangled energies that we call conflict.  

Seven Tips to managing good balance in the midst of conflict:  

1.      Remember that people (even you) are rarely as benevolent as they perceive themselves to be.  We tend to see our intentions as good, not only for us but for others too.  Just notice how often you have easy reasons (or justifications) and you are ready to explain what you are doing and why you are doing it if you are challenged in some way.  

2.      Remind yourself that others are rarely as evil as their opponents perceive them to be.  Give others the same benefit of the doubt that you expect them to give you.  In this way, you can be holding the intention and a positive energy field where others have support and opportunity to choose to behave in the best potential way for themselves and for you.  

3.      Be aware that people rarely spend as much time thinking about the issues as you or others think they do.  If you are experiencing a sense of conflict, others may not even notice it because they are not as invested in an issue as you are.  

4.      Realize that most aspects of conflict spin off other events and are not the result of cold-hearted calculation.  Others may not be planning or thinking through what is happening, and they may not even see a need to be seeking common ground.    

5.      Come from the position that almost all behaviors are motivated by positive intention.  Most people do not set out to deliberately hurt someone else or cause upset for others and themselves.  And they are often surprised when someone else is offended or put off in some way.  It is true that frequently those positive intentions are to take care of and protect themselves.  

6.      Understand how patterns established in previous experiences impact present perceptions. Every conflict has a history that extends beyond the present.  We are a result of our own history of relationships with others.  If we have experienced hurt or harm in previous relationships, we must be vigilant not to project similar motivations, intentions or actions onto others in our current or future relationships.  

7.      If you have difficulty remembering the first six tips, take a moment to go to “the balcony” to get a better viewing point of the interactions the group is experiencing.  You always have the opportunity to choose again which will change the energy field for others to choose again also.    

Managing conflict more effectively is a passion for Alberta Fredricksen, a Conflict Guide and Spiritual Life Coach.  You can be empowered in your personal and professional conflicts through personal coaching or group facilitations.  Check Alberta’s website at www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles.  Sign up for the Awakened Inner PeaceMaker Program now!

Conflict happens in relationships.  And the tension it brings is opportunity knocking at the door.

We actually learn more by listening than we do by talking!  When we are experiencing contrast or conflict with others, we are usually trying our best to persuade them to our point of view.  And that means we just keep talking - hoping the others will see the light of our position.

What happens if you shift your strategy and start listening - really listening?  There are many benefits for you if you will apply this one very important communication tool in resolving conflicts.

1.  Listening builds relationships!

2.  Listening says to the other person that they are important and you will take the time to hear them.  Listening affirms others and contributes to their sense of self-esteem and well-being.

3.  Your silence while listening can enhance your understanding of the problem and of others’ perspectives.

4.  Listening gives you more information that you can use in identifying potential options and making decisions.

5.  Listening allows you to be more aware of different perspectives and find an opening for collaborative efforts.

6.  You actually learn more by listening than you do by talking!

7. Listening doesn’t cost you any money.  It only takes a little time that is well invested in achieving your goals and building cooperative relationships.

8.  You can implement the listening tool by simply choosing to do it.  You don’t have to enroll in another training program.

9.  Always remember that talking shows involvement; listening shows caring; and asking clarifying questions shows your desire to better understand what others are thinking, feeling or saying.

10. Listening helps resolve conflict!  Listening builds relationships!

Alberta Fredricksen can help you understand just how natural conflict is and how it can be a creative force for change, empowerment and transcendence.  If you are looking for a greater sense of HeartPeace, visit her website at www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles.

Economic times are bad!  Finances are tight!  I can’t afford to carry these people!  Sound familiar?  If you add your energy to this choir of voices in conflict, you are actually creating a reality that you don’t want!  How DO you deal with conflict and financial realities without adding your “energy” to a downward spiral?

When change happens – like tight money – loss – unexpected events – don’t you tend to contract, restrict, reserve, withdraw and withhold resources?  Wait a minute!  Take a deep breath and look around you.  The greatest resource you have is the people around you – employees, clients, family and friends.

When budgets get tight, stress increases, conflict escalates and relationships suffer.  How do we resolve these tensions?  Believe it or not, this is a gift that can bring greater understanding and a more urgent motivation to make changes that you might ignore otherwise.

NOW is the time to call upon the “human” resources - the people around you - and engage with them in some practical problem solving.  Your collective creativity in addressing everyone’s needs together not only increases chances for survival and success, it also creates a greater sense of “community.”   Necessity can be a powerful force towards cooperation because of a need to survive together. Ironically, adverse conditions can be the most effective tool to bring out your best gifts and the best gifts of the people around you.

Consider these FOUR TIPS to make the most of seemingly adverse conditions!

1.  More and better communication!  Just communicating more doesn’t help unless it’s different, better – in a word effective!  Just talking about your own pain and hardships won’t cut it.  This may demonstrate your willingness to appear vulnerable which some will admire; it also escalates fear for others as they think “but what about me?”

2. Authentic communication!  There’s an old saying that you can learn more by listening than you can by talking.   Haven’t you found that to be true?  Better communications have several attributes that are worth mastering.  Remember these three communication tools:
a) Talking shows our involvement.
b) Listening shows we care.
c) Asking questions to learn more about what others think and feel demonstrates a desire to truly understand.

3.  Be congruent!  Does your behavior match your words?  Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?  Have you promoted team work in the past and now are relying solely on your personal sense of responsibility which calls for a Command-type of decision making?  Nothing builds trust and community like being congruent.  When others help create the solution, they will help support it!  You don’t have to have all the answers by yourself.  You do have to have the courage to ask and listen.

4.   Change the Energy around you!  If you are considering cutting back, cutting out, or pricing up to navigate turbulent times, think again!  Think outside the box!  NOW may be the perfect time to outsource some idea creation and facilitation - to actually upscale your human resources!  You know you have abilities and potential but you can’t see the forest for the trees!  Explore the possibilities of a Team Approach to the issues you and your business are facing.  Talk with a human resources and communication consultant/coach to explore your strengths, your brilliances and your open pathways.  Gain an objective guide to see how you can empower and capitalize on the creativity of your employees - or your clients - to co-create a solution that you can’t envision by yourself.

A Surprising Lesson from my own experience!

As a school principal, I learned an amazing lesson from a faculty team I was charged with leading.   Finances tightened to the point of being directed by the superintendent that there were no funds for supplies and no funds for substitute teachers!  Thinking that I had to be a strong leader and figure out what all of us would have to do, I dutifully informed the staff about the cutbacks, proposed how I would try to cover classes when they were sick as best I could and explained how I would be less available to them for other things they counted on me as a principal to do.  

Imagine my surprise when the staff came to me and shared that they had all come together and created a plan where everyone picked up some portion of what had to be done when someone needed to be absent.  They said they needed to be able count on me to do the things they expected from a principal.  It was beautiful!  Together – our combined “human” resources created solutions that I could not envision by myself.  And the staff gave their full hearts in support of our solutions.  

Could you and your business or organization benefit from the objectivity of a human resource coach or consultant to assist in empowering you to create a solution that you might not discover all by yourself?  Alberta Fredricksen brings decades of human resource experience to her passion as a Coach and Consultant.  For more HeartPeace and more FREE resources and articles, visit www.HeartPeaceNow.com.

 Most of us grow up conditioned to believe that conflict is bad.  That is a myth!  And it’s a pretty destructive myth because it places all of us in a position of being bad in some way because we are in conflict within ourselves or we experience conflict with others. 

Truthfully, being in conflict is as easy as falling off a log!  With a little shift in perception and some help in understanding the true nature of conflict, we can walk the log skillfully, with balance and reach our destination on the other side.  

Some say that conflict is not good or bad - it just is!  It is opportunity staring you straight in the face.  This is where you are empowered to co-create with Spirit and the Spirit in others to embrace conflict and let it teach you how to create something better for you and others. 

Aikido Master, Tom Crum, teaches that “Conflict is nature’s primary motivator for change.“  Change and conflict are frequent companions.  We often talk about needing a change - a change in direction - a change in pace - a let-up in the status quo - or to accelerate in one direction or another.  When you speak about change, conflict may be just around the corner. 

Whether your change process generates conflict or not depends on what you think about conflict.  And whether you think it’s good or bad, just realize that you are creating your own reality.  Knowing that conflict has the potential for creating change, most of us can accept that conflict is natural, necessary - even desirable at times.

Conflict is opportunity!  If you can make this ONE perceptual shift to see conflict as a natural phenomenon that is actually motivating you to movement, to look at options, to make a choice, to make a move - then you can look forward to something different.  Now - that’s a gift!

Getting to the gift of conflict is a passion for Alberta Fredricksen, a Conflict Resolution and Spiritual Life Coach, who can help you understand just how natural conflict is and how it can be a creative force for change, empowerment and transcendence within and with others.  If you are looking for a greater sense of HeartPeace, visit her website at www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles.

Welcome to HeartPeace Now articles. Check back often for new articles on conflict resolution and management, personal growth, business coaching  and organizational development and training, Spiritual Life Coaching and stepping up spiritually.